What a Mother Does

Every mother releases her child at some point. At least, she is supposed to. We release them a little along the way (kindergarten, overnight trips, driver's license, etc...) until it is eventually time to release them fully into the world as adults. I've been told that this task of releasing a child requires more commitment and sacrifice than the many years of active mothering. It can be the most heart wrenching thing we ever experience as mothers. But every good mother knows that, at the right time, it is what her child needs. It is the right thing to do.

This act of releasing is what I believe is going on in the heart of a birthmother who chooses to place her child for adoption. She is releasing her child at the right time because it is what her child needs. It is the right thing to do.

My perception of birthmothers was shaped many years ago, not through a Lifetime movie, but by walking with a friend of mine through this releasing process. When this friend found out that she was pregnant, she was already caring for a toddler and struggling to maintain stability for the both of them. She was a smart, loving, and devoted mother. Over a period of time, it became obvious to her that the Lord was calling her to place her unborn child for adoption. She devoted her time and energy to finding the right home for her child and preparing herself emotionally and spiritually for the task that was ahead. She kept a small notebook of scripture that she memorized, to strengthen her heart and her resolve. When the baby was born, I watched her care for him while in the hospital, whisper precious words in his ear, and eventually release him into the arms of the parents God chose for him.

That is an accurate picture of one birthmother's experience. I realize that this is not always how it goes. Sometimes women in this situation are irresponsible and selfish. I'm sure my friend is not the rule when it comes to birthmothers, but she is not the exception either. I have noticed already that the way people generally perceive birthmothers is not at all balanced.

We are receiving such a positive response when people find out we are adopting. They understand, for the most part, that this is something we feel called to do. We are being obedient to that call and we are encouraged for it. A birthmother who is called to place her child for adoption is also being obedient to what God is calling her to do, and many times she is criticized for it. Not openly criticized, usually, but often in the way she is overlooked.

One thing we appreciate most about the agency we are using for this adoption is the way they care for birthmothers. There is much counseling (before, during and after) that goes into the life of each woman. The agency is committed to educating people about a birthmother's experience and helping people take time to see the adoption from her vantage point. Our case worker spent time at our first interview educating us. She told us, for example, the accurate way to speak about adoption. Instead of saying a birth mom "gave her baby up for adoption" we were taught to say "placed the baby for adoption." This may seem like nothing more than political correctness, but it's so much more. It is an accurate way to describe someone who chose life over death for her child then took proper care in finding that child the right home. In our training, we were recently required to watch a video of several birth moms (and dads) describe their experience years after the adoption. This was incredibly helpful. These people obviously love the children they placed for adoption very much! As one person commented, "It isn't as if these babies are unwanted!"

After watching that video I left with the same impression that I first formed while watching my friend walk through this painful journey. These women knew when it was the right time to release their children. They took on the pain and made the personal sacrifice in order to give their children what they needed. Isn't this what every mother does?

We are praying now for the woman who is likely pregnant at this point and will be choosing our family to adopt her baby. We pray for God's peace and comfort for her. We aren't praying that she won't change her mind because (as one of my good, smart friends said) this IS her child. The baby will only be ours when she decides to fully release him or her to us. Then, we will pray that God will reward her obedience with the continual assurance that this was His plan and that because He doesn't make mistakes, neither has she.