Big Brothers Meet Evan

Faith Becomes Sight

K signed the surrender this morning! There is a ten day revocation period so her rights won't be completely terminated until November 7th, but we are very thankful that we've reached this point. Thanks for all your prayers. In my first post, I said that someday I would get to write a post called "Faith Becomes Sight" and introduce our baby. That was a long time ago, but here we are. It's still hard to believe. I have a lot of pictures to catch you up on, since Evan is four weeks old today. But, let's begin at the beginning....

Adoption is Hard

K was not able to sign the surrender this morning. I know it seems unlikely if you don't know the details, but we really do believe that she will sign. There have been a series of unfortunate events that have kept her from making it to court. In any case, we are still waiting, hoping, praying and trusting God's plan.

I was wondering to myself, do I regret opening up our story on this blog as it is unfolding, especially since it has been a difficult waiting period. I don't regret it. My initial reason for starting this blog about our adoption journey was to share what adoption is really like for those who might be considering it. This is what it is really like, I have learned. Some adoptions go off without a hitch, but most of them have bumps along the way.

We heard Russell Moore speak about adoption in our city several months ago. He talked about how adoption is hard. He discouraged people from adopting if they have some romanticized view of what it will involve. The process is difficult in so many ways. It should just be easy when people are willing to adopt and there are children who need to be adopted. But, Russell Moore says that there is a real resistance in the spiritual realm against children in general and adoption specifically. It was comforting to hear him identify this dynamic. If we believe in the supernatural realm at all, and I do, then I know there is a resistance against God's "agenda," and the Bible makes it clear that children are often at the center of God's agenda. So, when a baby is coming into a home where he will hear the Gospel and see it lived out, of course there will be resistance and struggle.

In our situation, it seems that K is the one who is having to bear the brunt of this struggle. I can't share details, but she has had a very hard time since Evan was born. It would be easy, in my haste, to be frustrated with her for not getting to court and signing. Or, to be suspicious as to what is really going on. But, the Gospel compels me to care about her and all that she is going through. This isn't just about us.

Don't get me wrong - I REALLY want her to make it to court ASAP and sign the surrender. I have prayed for that and would appreciate your prayers as well. But, I've realized that I need to be praying for HER, not just praying for her to sign. I am praying that this cycle of hardship will be broken in her life. We really believe everything will be okay in the end, for our family, but I don't want to forget to care about whether or not she will be okay, too.

So, we are in the thick of one of the most difficult parts of domestic adoption and I will say that it is worth it. I would do it again. Adoption is hard, but it is right.

Here is an article by Russell Moore called "Don't Adopt" that is an excellent read. And, please don't be offended if you are a cat lover.

As far as updates, let's just say that I will let you know when the surrender is signed, which will hopefully be this week. Keep praying!!

Third Time's a Charm, We Hope

I know I left you hangin' - sorry about that. There have been a few bumps in the road, regarding K (Evan's birth mom) signing her Surrender of Parental Rights. We think everything has been worked out, though, and she has an appointment to sign tomorrow morning. This is the third court appointment she has had, so we're hoping third time's a charm. We would appreciate your prayers as this has become pretty nerve racking. And, in case you need extra incentive to pray, I am planning to post the first pictures of Evan when the surrender is signed! There will still be a ten day revocation period, during which time K can return to court and regain custody, but we will feel so much better after the surrender is signed.

The best thing that has come out of this extra waiting period is that we had an opportunity to send a gift for K. (Our social worker will give it to her tomorrow at court.) We bought her a Bible, a copy of Jesus Calling (a daily devotional book) and a card. I was able to write in the card, letting her know that we have been praying for her during this entire adoption journey - for over a year. I let her know that, especially after meeting her, we are sure of her love for Evan and will make sure he knows that too. And, I thanked her - we will always remember what a gift he is and will never forget the sacrifice she made.

I also expressed to K how much we desire her life to be blessed. I have been using Psalm 40 to pray for her this entire time and I highlighted that passage in the Bible we gave her, and stuck the card in that spot as a book mark. Please join us in praying that the Lord would bless her life as she trusts in Him. Just imagine if this could be the testimony of her life!

Excerpt from Psalm 40
My Help and My Deliverer

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.

I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.

As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me!
O LORD, make haste to help me!
Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!

Ten Minutes with Evan's Birth mom

Evan's Birth mom did not make it to court today to sign the Surrender of Parental Rights because she was sick. She was having some health problems in the hospital and is apparently still struggling. We do believe that this is the reason that she didn't make it to court, but it was still disappointing. Please pray for her and for us.

I wrote about my heart for birth moms last year on October 6th. And, I believe it is God's providence that this year I have another post about birth moms on this date, only this time it is very much our story. What I have written here will make so much more sense if you read last year's post first. That post is called, "What a Mother Does."

On Saturday, we had about ten minutes to meet with Evan's birth mom in the hospital. It was an unexpected meeting and we felt unprepared, but I guess you never really feel prepared for such a meeting. I don't want to refer to her by her real name, so I'll just call her K.

Evan stayed in the nursery, since K has chosen a closed adoption and doesn't want contact with him. We followed our social worker down the hall and into K's hospital room. As I approached K, she sat up in her bed and put out her hand to shake mine. It seemed natural to hug her, so I leaned over to give her a hug. She hugged me back, very tightly. We both began to cry and we both held on tight. I told her that we love her and that we have been praying for her for a long time. David hugged her next and they wept together. David told her, "We will take good care of him."

K didn't do much talking, but as we talked she held her hand over her mouth, nodded her head and shed tears. I told her that our first experience with adoption was with our friend who placed her baby for adoption. I said that we stayed with her during that time, witnessing her courage and love for her son. I told K that we had such admiration for our friend's selflessness and that we feel the same about her. We admire her for her courage and can see her love for this baby boy. Then I said, "This is how he will know you."

Our social worker spent some time caring for K through words of encouragement and comfort. She facilitated some discussion about what K has said about her family, how they are all very funny and that each new kid that came into the family is funnier than the one before. We laughed together about that. We told K about our boys and how silly they are and that there will be lots of laughing in our home, too. We told her that Zach and Sam will teach this little one how to be silly with them and that they are so excited about a little boy coming into our home. We shared a little about their personalities and let her know how much we love having boys.

I'm not sure how the conversation changed course, but it was obvious that it was time to be going. K looked up and said to us, "Take good care of him." We said that we will. She told us, "Congratulations." It was difficult to form a response to that. Her sacrifice was our gift, and we knew it. Then she said, "Thank you." We both immediately responded, "No, thank you."

We hugged her again as our goodbye. There were many more tears. I told her again that we love her and she said that she loves us, too. We told her again that we will take good care of him and that we will be praying for her. Then, we left.

As we walked into the hallway, I immediately broke into sobs. I just didn't want to see her hurting and I didn't want to be the cause of her hurt. She had chosen to meet with us and our social worker said that it is helpful for the healing process of the birth mom to meet the family. But, I was afraid that seeing us would intensify her pain and the possibility of that hurt so much. We walked back down the hallway and went back to the nursery to get Evan and go home.

That night, around 10:40 our social worker texted me saying, "Everything is okay, but if you are up call me. I have something to share with you." We have grown close to our social worker, so it wasn't too weird that she would text at that hour, since she knew we would probably be up with Evan anyway. But, I was still a little edgy wondering what she needed to share. Of course I worried, did K change her mind?

When I talked to our social worker, she said that when she looked at her phone that evening she had four missed calls from K. When she finally got a hold of K, she said that she had been calling just to thank her for everything. K told her that she felt much better about everything, after meeting us. She said of us, "They seem so happy. They seem so nice." Her next statement has been ringing in my ears ever since. She said, "I am so happy about the way everything worked out because now I know he has a family."

Our social worker had told us that K's request was that the baby not be placed in foster care or interim care. Her desire was that he go directly to an adoptive family. She did not ask to see him. She did not ask to give him a name. All she asked was that he be given a family. We know we can tell him, with confidence, that K had a mother's heart for him. We saw it in her eyes that day and her sacrifice speaks for itself.

Timeline

First and foremost, we found out today that Evan's birth mom has a court appointment for Thursday morning to sign the Surrender of Parental Rights. So, please be praying.

The rest of this post will probably be boring to you, but it's really for me. I'm hoping that when I go back and read it, I will be transported back into these memories through the details I share.

Thursday, Sept 29th at 5:44 am:
Evan was born. We were sleeping, I'm sure ; )

Friday, Sept 30th in the evening:
Our social worker called me a couple of times and left a message to call her back. (Please don't ridicule me for this, but my phone was in the van all night and I missed these calls and her texts. Seriously. I still cannot believe I did that.)

Saturday, Oct 1 around 10 am:
After trying my phone again and leaving another message (by this point I realized I didn't have my phone but couldn't find it), our social worker called David's phone. (I listened to her messages later that day, after I found my phone in the van. They were so funny. Every message got increasingly more urgent. Finally, she was like, "Angie, as soon as you get this, please give me a call back as soon as you can. I need to talk to you as soon as possible!!!")

We were sitting on the couch, boys playing in the living room, a nice lazy Saturday morning. David almost didn't answer her call because he didn't recognize the number. She said who she was and we immediately moved to the kitchen to take in and write down everything she said. Getting that call is so intense. I wanted to take in everything she said, fearing I would miss something that would be very important some day.

She told us that a baby boy had been born in Memphis and she gave several details while we just listened. Then, she asked if we would be interested in pursuing this placement, that we could think about it and call her back. We knew our answer, but we did hang up with her to make sure we were on the same page. We called her back and said yes. Then she said that he was ready to be discharged and we could come and get him now.

Ok, let's stop right there. NOW? No matter how excited you are for something like this, it is pretty daunting to hear the word NOW in this situation. We seriously had no idea what to do next. David started picking up the baby's room and I remember him vacuuming. I, of course, was making a lot of phone calls. We told her that we would be able to leave in about an hour and a half. We sat down on the couch and told the boys, who immediately began to LITERALLY bounce off the walls, which made me think, "Oh my soul THREE boys!" Ha ha! David's parents were on their way to get the boys and take them to the pumpkin patch, something exciting for them to do since they didn't get to go to the hospital with us. I had a long moment of struggle while packing up baby things, trying to decide what should be Evan's coming home outfit. I didn't have our newborn baby boy clothes here because I had lent them to a friend. But, I did have a few special baby boy outfits set aside from Zach and Sam, including each of their coming home outfits. I finally decided to choose something entirely different because I was afraid one of them would be jealous to find out that his coming home outfit was not the one Evan wore. (I tend to over think things.) The outfit I chose ended up swallowing the poor boy up! I clearly remember that, after we had packed up the baby stuff and put the car seat in the car, we were supposed to leave in about 15 minutes and I hadn't even taken a shower. So, I took a super quick shower, got dressed and left with my hair still wet!

I don't remember most of the drive to Memphis. I do remember saying to David, many times, "What are we doing?"

We met our social worker at a Wendy's just off the interstate to sign our adoption papers. It was funny because she was trying to find a quieter place than the hospital to sign the papers. So, she chose Wendy's during the lunch rush. Perfect. It was fine, of course, and makes for a fun story. And it was a very fitting location, as my sister in law pointed out, because Wendy was adopted. : )

This is a very minor detail to note but it meant something to me. As we were sitting at the table at Wendy's I saw a wall of donation cards (you know, when you agree to give an extra dollar and they put your name on a card?) Well, the one that caught my attention and was in my direct line of sight was the name of Evan's birth mom, which is actually kind of a rare name. It just struck me, for some reason, and made me think about the fact that she is a real person. The person we have been praying for, for so long - I know her name now. She is real.

We left Wendy's and headed for the hospital. Our time at the hospital wasn't a super great experience. The environment was very clinical instead of warm and inviting. The staff hardly paid any attention to us and it made me sad to think they may not have given Evan much attention either. But, it is the place we first met this sweet boy.

We waited in a small waiting area, where we could see in the nursery. How weird it was to be standing on the other side of some glass windows from our baby boy and not knowing which baby they would bring out. Eventually, they pushed out one of those baby bed carts and there he was. Except, we didn't know it was him because they didn't say anything to us. David and I just stood there and looked at him, not knowing what to do. Finally we realized it was him and we started admiring him and talking to him. Our social worker told us we could pick him up. Again, it was a really strange environment and we didn't know what was acceptable. The next little bit of time is a blur. I do remember my first impression of him was that he looked very familiar to me and that was surprising. And comforting.

We changed him into his GIGANTOR coming home outfit. My sister in law was there taking pictures. I am so glad she was there because I didn't have to think about pictures at all, and those pictures are very important to me. I am pretty sure, though, that my expression in most of them looks like I was either in shock or about to throw up, which would have been accurate either way.

After a few minutes with baby Evan, our social worker had some news that was both welcome and terrifying. The birth mom, who was still in the hospital, wanted to meet us. She had chosen a completely closed adoption, so she did not see Evan and will not be receiving pictures or updates from us. And, when we learned that she wanted a closed adoption, we were told that we would probably not get to meet her. It is her choice, of course, but that news was really hard to accept.

We have learned so much about how positive it is for an adopted child to have some link to their biological family, even if only in the form of letters. We have learned how important it is for the birth mom's healing process that she have closure and that meeting the adoptive family can provide that for her. You might think it is a relief to think that we would not have to manage a relationship with her, but it felt like a loss. It felt like a chance of a lifetime that had slipped away, with no chance of regaining it. So, when we heard that she was willing to meet us, our anxiousness about that moment was eclipsed by the gratitude of having regained for Evan what we thought was lost. A chance to meet his birth mom meant that we could give him something that he will someday surely need, assurance that his birth mom gave him to us because of the love she has for him, not because of a lack of love. The time we spent with her shed a light on this adoption journey that caused everything to make sense to me.

He is Ours

Well, this is the post we've all been waiting for.... we have a baby boy in our home!

He's laying right here beside me on the couch grunting away. I had contemplated whether to keep the blog in "real time" as far as the events that are unfolding right now or to wait until the process was further along and then share. I decided to go ahead and post, bringing you along with us on this journey. I am going to reserve some parts of the story for the day when we can feel more sure that we will get to adopt him - like pictures, I'm not posting pictures for now. Isn't that mean of me? For now, just picture a tiny little boy with beautiful soft brown baby skin, lots of wavy hair, lips you want to kiss, and big eyes that seem to be speaking to you rather than just looking at you.

I'll introduce our little guy - his name is Evan Daniel. This is a name we chose for him. I have many posts in mind to break this story down into readable segments, so I'll tell you all about why we chose that name in another post. And, I will later tell you the timeline of events. For now, I want to tell you what it is like to call him "ours."

Here's the situation we are in. We got the call from the adoption agency Saturday morning and picked Evan up from the hospital a few hours later! His birth mom has to sign what is called a Surrender of Parental Rights sometime this week (hopefully tomorrow). Once she signs that form, we start counting to ten. There is a ten day revocation period, during which time she can change her mind, no questions asked. So, for now we are serving as somewhat of a foster care family for Evan. After the ten days are over, this is considered an adoption placement and we wait for the birth father's rights to be terminated (another process altogether). We can go to court and officially adopt Evan (Lord willing), six months from the time he was placed with us. So, as you can see, we still have quite a long road ahead. Although, you can breath a little sigh of relief because it does seem most likely that he will get to stay with us. We just know that you never know, ya know?

I do want to share where my heart is right now, given the circumstances. I feel firmly that he is "ours." There is a definite connection that was immediate. In fact, I had prepared myself to expect that he might look like a stranger to me when we first met him. But, he looked familiar to me. That was a precious, unexpected gift in itself. But calling him "ours" is even more than that.

I think David and I are both in this in between. If we walked into our church nursery and saw him among all the other babies, our affections would be for him. The other babies would be cute - he would be amazing. We feel that we know him. He likes to be sung to. He bleats instead of crying. Seems more concerned than angry when he's upset. Raises his eyebrows up really high when he hick-ups. Likes being snuggled but hates being swaddled. MUST have both arms up by his head (elbows up) while he is sleeping. And he is very serious about seeing that bottle at the three hour mark, usually running about fifteen minutes early. So he very much feels like ours.

But, it doesn't feel like he is our son. It is different than when we had Zach and Sam. I was upset about this at first, fearing that it meant I wasn't going to be able to bond completely or something. I think I'm over that. It helped to hear from other adoptive moms that they experienced the same "in between." That's one reason I want to share these feelings openly - I think it can be normal in our situation. He doesn't feel like our son because he isn't our son yet. Until his birth mom signs her surrender, he is completely her son. So, I guess it is natural that we have a certain level of reservation, although I don't feel like I am purposefully holding back. It feels more like we're just not there yet.

The best I know to describe it is that it feels like Evan is ours, but not completely. For now he is ours to care for in all the practical ways that he needs. He is ours to hold and snuggle just because we want to. He is ours to dote on and to study. He is ours to tell him that he has a family, that we love him. I am loving him the way he needs a mama to love. David is loving him the way he needs a daddy to love. And, you better believe he has two boys who are loving him like big brothers love. We want him to have all that now and it is ours to give. So, we give it freely. But, of course, we hope and pray that he is ours forever.