He is Ours

Well, this is the post we've all been waiting for.... we have a baby boy in our home!

He's laying right here beside me on the couch grunting away. I had contemplated whether to keep the blog in "real time" as far as the events that are unfolding right now or to wait until the process was further along and then share. I decided to go ahead and post, bringing you along with us on this journey. I am going to reserve some parts of the story for the day when we can feel more sure that we will get to adopt him - like pictures, I'm not posting pictures for now. Isn't that mean of me? For now, just picture a tiny little boy with beautiful soft brown baby skin, lots of wavy hair, lips you want to kiss, and big eyes that seem to be speaking to you rather than just looking at you.

I'll introduce our little guy - his name is Evan Daniel. This is a name we chose for him. I have many posts in mind to break this story down into readable segments, so I'll tell you all about why we chose that name in another post. And, I will later tell you the timeline of events. For now, I want to tell you what it is like to call him "ours."

Here's the situation we are in. We got the call from the adoption agency Saturday morning and picked Evan up from the hospital a few hours later! His birth mom has to sign what is called a Surrender of Parental Rights sometime this week (hopefully tomorrow). Once she signs that form, we start counting to ten. There is a ten day revocation period, during which time she can change her mind, no questions asked. So, for now we are serving as somewhat of a foster care family for Evan. After the ten days are over, this is considered an adoption placement and we wait for the birth father's rights to be terminated (another process altogether). We can go to court and officially adopt Evan (Lord willing), six months from the time he was placed with us. So, as you can see, we still have quite a long road ahead. Although, you can breath a little sigh of relief because it does seem most likely that he will get to stay with us. We just know that you never know, ya know?

I do want to share where my heart is right now, given the circumstances. I feel firmly that he is "ours." There is a definite connection that was immediate. In fact, I had prepared myself to expect that he might look like a stranger to me when we first met him. But, he looked familiar to me. That was a precious, unexpected gift in itself. But calling him "ours" is even more than that.

I think David and I are both in this in between. If we walked into our church nursery and saw him among all the other babies, our affections would be for him. The other babies would be cute - he would be amazing. We feel that we know him. He likes to be sung to. He bleats instead of crying. Seems more concerned than angry when he's upset. Raises his eyebrows up really high when he hick-ups. Likes being snuggled but hates being swaddled. MUST have both arms up by his head (elbows up) while he is sleeping. And he is very serious about seeing that bottle at the three hour mark, usually running about fifteen minutes early. So he very much feels like ours.

But, it doesn't feel like he is our son. It is different than when we had Zach and Sam. I was upset about this at first, fearing that it meant I wasn't going to be able to bond completely or something. I think I'm over that. It helped to hear from other adoptive moms that they experienced the same "in between." That's one reason I want to share these feelings openly - I think it can be normal in our situation. He doesn't feel like our son because he isn't our son yet. Until his birth mom signs her surrender, he is completely her son. So, I guess it is natural that we have a certain level of reservation, although I don't feel like I am purposefully holding back. It feels more like we're just not there yet.

The best I know to describe it is that it feels like Evan is ours, but not completely. For now he is ours to care for in all the practical ways that he needs. He is ours to hold and snuggle just because we want to. He is ours to dote on and to study. He is ours to tell him that he has a family, that we love him. I am loving him the way he needs a mama to love. David is loving him the way he needs a daddy to love. And, you better believe he has two boys who are loving him like big brothers love. We want him to have all that now and it is ours to give. So, we give it freely. But, of course, we hope and pray that he is ours forever.