Today We Celebrate!

Today was the last day of K's revocation period, meaning that her parental rights are now terminated. I really really need to go on to bed, but this day must be marked on the blog, for heaven's sake! Today's highlights...

1. My eyes were tear filled at 4:30, when I realized that this waiting period is over. And, I realized at that point that I haven't really cried about all this. I think I've been emotionally frozen. I picked Evan up off his play mat and said, "We get to adopt you!" Now, he first smiled at me on the day he turned four weeks old when I said, "I think I get to be your Mama!" (The day K signed the termination papers.) I thought I would get another smile - no such luck.

2. The boys have been anticipating this day, the day "we find out if we get to adopt Evan." We told them from the beginning that there would be a period of time where Evan's birth mom would make the decision if she wanted to give her right to parent Evan to us. That period of time was longer than expected, of course, so the boys were very aware of what today meant and super excited. They each picked out a big brother gift (toy) for Evan this weekend to give to him today. We celebrated by driving through Dairy Queen and getting Blizzards, and taking one to David at work. I can tell that they are both relieved. It is an indescribable joy to a mama's heart to see her sons SO eager to welcome a new brother!

3. Zach's first reaction when I told him that K's decision is final and we get to adopt him was sadness for her. This little boy has such a tender heart. He said, "When she gets older she can have more kids, right? Then, she will be ok." Zach doesn't know the details of K's life, of course, and her age wasn't even the reason for her decision. But, that's how he processed it. I was able to tell him that K has said how happy she is that Evan is with us. I told him that we have talked on the phone and that she has said that God sent us into her life to be the ones to take care of Evan, that she knows he is right where he needs to be. He was relieved. It's amazing that even at such a young age, he gets it - adoption is multi-dimensional. One mom's moment of fullness is another mom's moment of loss. But, we trust and rely on God to fill her with joy and peace, as He already is doing.

4. Now, I will have to unload my thoughts about K and our relationship with her in another post altogether. But, for now let me say that I have been extra conscious of her today. I realized today that I have felt a sense of deference to her, emotionally. I haven't felt free to "move in" emotionally until her decision was final. Maybe it was to protect myself, but I also think there has been a certain feeling of respect. That sense of respect is easier to pull off when the birth mom is volunteering to surrender her parental rights, rather than having them terminated because she won't care for the child. But, in our case, I have felt a sense of partnering with her, as I am now free to fully accept the role of "Evan's mom." Sort of like she is handing the "mommy" baton off to me. (Cheesy illustration, I know.) As my love for Evan has grown deeper today, so has my love for her.

5. As a keepsake from this day, we made handprint ornaments out of air dry modeling clay. This seemed to mean a lot to the big boys. In fact, each boy requested that I make an extra Evan handprint for them to hang in their locker at school. I cannot tell you how amazing it has been to watch my boys' hearts grow during this process. I am confident that the experience of adopting Evan has shaped these two young boys and is a vital part of God's plan to make them the men He plans for them to be.

Beach or Bust!

We planned a fall break beach trip with some friends earlier in the school year. At that time we had a total of six adults and six kids - sounds reasonable, right? Then, our friends got two foster kids and two weeks before our trip we got Evan! So, we were outnumbered - and four of the kids were two and under!!

We had a great time, but I wouldn't say that it was "in spite of" the unexpected addition of all these kiddos. I would say precisely what made this trip so special was having these extra kids, even though it changed the dynamic of the trip by quite a bit. (Can you say 11 hour car ride with screaming babies??) What made it REALLY special was going on such a trip with friends who are eager to welcome these children and the challenges that come with all of them, who understand what Jesus meant when he said, "Let the little children come to me." We are blessed to be surrounded by many friends and family who don't think we are crazy for having our lives upheaved by adoption and who jump right in with us!

Evan at the Beach

Here are a few pictures of Evan on our beach trip - he knows how to enjoy the beach!

Big Brothers Meet Evan

Faith Becomes Sight

K signed the surrender this morning! There is a ten day revocation period so her rights won't be completely terminated until November 7th, but we are very thankful that we've reached this point. Thanks for all your prayers. In my first post, I said that someday I would get to write a post called "Faith Becomes Sight" and introduce our baby. That was a long time ago, but here we are. It's still hard to believe. I have a lot of pictures to catch you up on, since Evan is four weeks old today. But, let's begin at the beginning....

Adoption is Hard

K was not able to sign the surrender this morning. I know it seems unlikely if you don't know the details, but we really do believe that she will sign. There have been a series of unfortunate events that have kept her from making it to court. In any case, we are still waiting, hoping, praying and trusting God's plan.

I was wondering to myself, do I regret opening up our story on this blog as it is unfolding, especially since it has been a difficult waiting period. I don't regret it. My initial reason for starting this blog about our adoption journey was to share what adoption is really like for those who might be considering it. This is what it is really like, I have learned. Some adoptions go off without a hitch, but most of them have bumps along the way.

We heard Russell Moore speak about adoption in our city several months ago. He talked about how adoption is hard. He discouraged people from adopting if they have some romanticized view of what it will involve. The process is difficult in so many ways. It should just be easy when people are willing to adopt and there are children who need to be adopted. But, Russell Moore says that there is a real resistance in the spiritual realm against children in general and adoption specifically. It was comforting to hear him identify this dynamic. If we believe in the supernatural realm at all, and I do, then I know there is a resistance against God's "agenda," and the Bible makes it clear that children are often at the center of God's agenda. So, when a baby is coming into a home where he will hear the Gospel and see it lived out, of course there will be resistance and struggle.

In our situation, it seems that K is the one who is having to bear the brunt of this struggle. I can't share details, but she has had a very hard time since Evan was born. It would be easy, in my haste, to be frustrated with her for not getting to court and signing. Or, to be suspicious as to what is really going on. But, the Gospel compels me to care about her and all that she is going through. This isn't just about us.

Don't get me wrong - I REALLY want her to make it to court ASAP and sign the surrender. I have prayed for that and would appreciate your prayers as well. But, I've realized that I need to be praying for HER, not just praying for her to sign. I am praying that this cycle of hardship will be broken in her life. We really believe everything will be okay in the end, for our family, but I don't want to forget to care about whether or not she will be okay, too.

So, we are in the thick of one of the most difficult parts of domestic adoption and I will say that it is worth it. I would do it again. Adoption is hard, but it is right.

Here is an article by Russell Moore called "Don't Adopt" that is an excellent read. And, please don't be offended if you are a cat lover.

As far as updates, let's just say that I will let you know when the surrender is signed, which will hopefully be this week. Keep praying!!

Third Time's a Charm, We Hope

I know I left you hangin' - sorry about that. There have been a few bumps in the road, regarding K (Evan's birth mom) signing her Surrender of Parental Rights. We think everything has been worked out, though, and she has an appointment to sign tomorrow morning. This is the third court appointment she has had, so we're hoping third time's a charm. We would appreciate your prayers as this has become pretty nerve racking. And, in case you need extra incentive to pray, I am planning to post the first pictures of Evan when the surrender is signed! There will still be a ten day revocation period, during which time K can return to court and regain custody, but we will feel so much better after the surrender is signed.

The best thing that has come out of this extra waiting period is that we had an opportunity to send a gift for K. (Our social worker will give it to her tomorrow at court.) We bought her a Bible, a copy of Jesus Calling (a daily devotional book) and a card. I was able to write in the card, letting her know that we have been praying for her during this entire adoption journey - for over a year. I let her know that, especially after meeting her, we are sure of her love for Evan and will make sure he knows that too. And, I thanked her - we will always remember what a gift he is and will never forget the sacrifice she made.

I also expressed to K how much we desire her life to be blessed. I have been using Psalm 40 to pray for her this entire time and I highlighted that passage in the Bible we gave her, and stuck the card in that spot as a book mark. Please join us in praying that the Lord would bless her life as she trusts in Him. Just imagine if this could be the testimony of her life!

Excerpt from Psalm 40
My Help and My Deliverer

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.

I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.

As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me!
O LORD, make haste to help me!
Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!

Ten Minutes with Evan's Birth mom

Evan's Birth mom did not make it to court today to sign the Surrender of Parental Rights because she was sick. She was having some health problems in the hospital and is apparently still struggling. We do believe that this is the reason that she didn't make it to court, but it was still disappointing. Please pray for her and for us.

I wrote about my heart for birth moms last year on October 6th. And, I believe it is God's providence that this year I have another post about birth moms on this date, only this time it is very much our story. What I have written here will make so much more sense if you read last year's post first. That post is called, "What a Mother Does."

On Saturday, we had about ten minutes to meet with Evan's birth mom in the hospital. It was an unexpected meeting and we felt unprepared, but I guess you never really feel prepared for such a meeting. I don't want to refer to her by her real name, so I'll just call her K.

Evan stayed in the nursery, since K has chosen a closed adoption and doesn't want contact with him. We followed our social worker down the hall and into K's hospital room. As I approached K, she sat up in her bed and put out her hand to shake mine. It seemed natural to hug her, so I leaned over to give her a hug. She hugged me back, very tightly. We both began to cry and we both held on tight. I told her that we love her and that we have been praying for her for a long time. David hugged her next and they wept together. David told her, "We will take good care of him."

K didn't do much talking, but as we talked she held her hand over her mouth, nodded her head and shed tears. I told her that our first experience with adoption was with our friend who placed her baby for adoption. I said that we stayed with her during that time, witnessing her courage and love for her son. I told K that we had such admiration for our friend's selflessness and that we feel the same about her. We admire her for her courage and can see her love for this baby boy. Then I said, "This is how he will know you."

Our social worker spent some time caring for K through words of encouragement and comfort. She facilitated some discussion about what K has said about her family, how they are all very funny and that each new kid that came into the family is funnier than the one before. We laughed together about that. We told K about our boys and how silly they are and that there will be lots of laughing in our home, too. We told her that Zach and Sam will teach this little one how to be silly with them and that they are so excited about a little boy coming into our home. We shared a little about their personalities and let her know how much we love having boys.

I'm not sure how the conversation changed course, but it was obvious that it was time to be going. K looked up and said to us, "Take good care of him." We said that we will. She told us, "Congratulations." It was difficult to form a response to that. Her sacrifice was our gift, and we knew it. Then she said, "Thank you." We both immediately responded, "No, thank you."

We hugged her again as our goodbye. There were many more tears. I told her again that we love her and she said that she loves us, too. We told her again that we will take good care of him and that we will be praying for her. Then, we left.

As we walked into the hallway, I immediately broke into sobs. I just didn't want to see her hurting and I didn't want to be the cause of her hurt. She had chosen to meet with us and our social worker said that it is helpful for the healing process of the birth mom to meet the family. But, I was afraid that seeing us would intensify her pain and the possibility of that hurt so much. We walked back down the hallway and went back to the nursery to get Evan and go home.

That night, around 10:40 our social worker texted me saying, "Everything is okay, but if you are up call me. I have something to share with you." We have grown close to our social worker, so it wasn't too weird that she would text at that hour, since she knew we would probably be up with Evan anyway. But, I was still a little edgy wondering what she needed to share. Of course I worried, did K change her mind?

When I talked to our social worker, she said that when she looked at her phone that evening she had four missed calls from K. When she finally got a hold of K, she said that she had been calling just to thank her for everything. K told her that she felt much better about everything, after meeting us. She said of us, "They seem so happy. They seem so nice." Her next statement has been ringing in my ears ever since. She said, "I am so happy about the way everything worked out because now I know he has a family."

Our social worker had told us that K's request was that the baby not be placed in foster care or interim care. Her desire was that he go directly to an adoptive family. She did not ask to see him. She did not ask to give him a name. All she asked was that he be given a family. We know we can tell him, with confidence, that K had a mother's heart for him. We saw it in her eyes that day and her sacrifice speaks for itself.

Timeline

First and foremost, we found out today that Evan's birth mom has a court appointment for Thursday morning to sign the Surrender of Parental Rights. So, please be praying.

The rest of this post will probably be boring to you, but it's really for me. I'm hoping that when I go back and read it, I will be transported back into these memories through the details I share.

Thursday, Sept 29th at 5:44 am:
Evan was born. We were sleeping, I'm sure ; )

Friday, Sept 30th in the evening:
Our social worker called me a couple of times and left a message to call her back. (Please don't ridicule me for this, but my phone was in the van all night and I missed these calls and her texts. Seriously. I still cannot believe I did that.)

Saturday, Oct 1 around 10 am:
After trying my phone again and leaving another message (by this point I realized I didn't have my phone but couldn't find it), our social worker called David's phone. (I listened to her messages later that day, after I found my phone in the van. They were so funny. Every message got increasingly more urgent. Finally, she was like, "Angie, as soon as you get this, please give me a call back as soon as you can. I need to talk to you as soon as possible!!!")

We were sitting on the couch, boys playing in the living room, a nice lazy Saturday morning. David almost didn't answer her call because he didn't recognize the number. She said who she was and we immediately moved to the kitchen to take in and write down everything she said. Getting that call is so intense. I wanted to take in everything she said, fearing I would miss something that would be very important some day.

She told us that a baby boy had been born in Memphis and she gave several details while we just listened. Then, she asked if we would be interested in pursuing this placement, that we could think about it and call her back. We knew our answer, but we did hang up with her to make sure we were on the same page. We called her back and said yes. Then she said that he was ready to be discharged and we could come and get him now.

Ok, let's stop right there. NOW? No matter how excited you are for something like this, it is pretty daunting to hear the word NOW in this situation. We seriously had no idea what to do next. David started picking up the baby's room and I remember him vacuuming. I, of course, was making a lot of phone calls. We told her that we would be able to leave in about an hour and a half. We sat down on the couch and told the boys, who immediately began to LITERALLY bounce off the walls, which made me think, "Oh my soul THREE boys!" Ha ha! David's parents were on their way to get the boys and take them to the pumpkin patch, something exciting for them to do since they didn't get to go to the hospital with us. I had a long moment of struggle while packing up baby things, trying to decide what should be Evan's coming home outfit. I didn't have our newborn baby boy clothes here because I had lent them to a friend. But, I did have a few special baby boy outfits set aside from Zach and Sam, including each of their coming home outfits. I finally decided to choose something entirely different because I was afraid one of them would be jealous to find out that his coming home outfit was not the one Evan wore. (I tend to over think things.) The outfit I chose ended up swallowing the poor boy up! I clearly remember that, after we had packed up the baby stuff and put the car seat in the car, we were supposed to leave in about 15 minutes and I hadn't even taken a shower. So, I took a super quick shower, got dressed and left with my hair still wet!

I don't remember most of the drive to Memphis. I do remember saying to David, many times, "What are we doing?"

We met our social worker at a Wendy's just off the interstate to sign our adoption papers. It was funny because she was trying to find a quieter place than the hospital to sign the papers. So, she chose Wendy's during the lunch rush. Perfect. It was fine, of course, and makes for a fun story. And it was a very fitting location, as my sister in law pointed out, because Wendy was adopted. : )

This is a very minor detail to note but it meant something to me. As we were sitting at the table at Wendy's I saw a wall of donation cards (you know, when you agree to give an extra dollar and they put your name on a card?) Well, the one that caught my attention and was in my direct line of sight was the name of Evan's birth mom, which is actually kind of a rare name. It just struck me, for some reason, and made me think about the fact that she is a real person. The person we have been praying for, for so long - I know her name now. She is real.

We left Wendy's and headed for the hospital. Our time at the hospital wasn't a super great experience. The environment was very clinical instead of warm and inviting. The staff hardly paid any attention to us and it made me sad to think they may not have given Evan much attention either. But, it is the place we first met this sweet boy.

We waited in a small waiting area, where we could see in the nursery. How weird it was to be standing on the other side of some glass windows from our baby boy and not knowing which baby they would bring out. Eventually, they pushed out one of those baby bed carts and there he was. Except, we didn't know it was him because they didn't say anything to us. David and I just stood there and looked at him, not knowing what to do. Finally we realized it was him and we started admiring him and talking to him. Our social worker told us we could pick him up. Again, it was a really strange environment and we didn't know what was acceptable. The next little bit of time is a blur. I do remember my first impression of him was that he looked very familiar to me and that was surprising. And comforting.

We changed him into his GIGANTOR coming home outfit. My sister in law was there taking pictures. I am so glad she was there because I didn't have to think about pictures at all, and those pictures are very important to me. I am pretty sure, though, that my expression in most of them looks like I was either in shock or about to throw up, which would have been accurate either way.

After a few minutes with baby Evan, our social worker had some news that was both welcome and terrifying. The birth mom, who was still in the hospital, wanted to meet us. She had chosen a completely closed adoption, so she did not see Evan and will not be receiving pictures or updates from us. And, when we learned that she wanted a closed adoption, we were told that we would probably not get to meet her. It is her choice, of course, but that news was really hard to accept.

We have learned so much about how positive it is for an adopted child to have some link to their biological family, even if only in the form of letters. We have learned how important it is for the birth mom's healing process that she have closure and that meeting the adoptive family can provide that for her. You might think it is a relief to think that we would not have to manage a relationship with her, but it felt like a loss. It felt like a chance of a lifetime that had slipped away, with no chance of regaining it. So, when we heard that she was willing to meet us, our anxiousness about that moment was eclipsed by the gratitude of having regained for Evan what we thought was lost. A chance to meet his birth mom meant that we could give him something that he will someday surely need, assurance that his birth mom gave him to us because of the love she has for him, not because of a lack of love. The time we spent with her shed a light on this adoption journey that caused everything to make sense to me.

He is Ours

Well, this is the post we've all been waiting for.... we have a baby boy in our home!

He's laying right here beside me on the couch grunting away. I had contemplated whether to keep the blog in "real time" as far as the events that are unfolding right now or to wait until the process was further along and then share. I decided to go ahead and post, bringing you along with us on this journey. I am going to reserve some parts of the story for the day when we can feel more sure that we will get to adopt him - like pictures, I'm not posting pictures for now. Isn't that mean of me? For now, just picture a tiny little boy with beautiful soft brown baby skin, lots of wavy hair, lips you want to kiss, and big eyes that seem to be speaking to you rather than just looking at you.

I'll introduce our little guy - his name is Evan Daniel. This is a name we chose for him. I have many posts in mind to break this story down into readable segments, so I'll tell you all about why we chose that name in another post. And, I will later tell you the timeline of events. For now, I want to tell you what it is like to call him "ours."

Here's the situation we are in. We got the call from the adoption agency Saturday morning and picked Evan up from the hospital a few hours later! His birth mom has to sign what is called a Surrender of Parental Rights sometime this week (hopefully tomorrow). Once she signs that form, we start counting to ten. There is a ten day revocation period, during which time she can change her mind, no questions asked. So, for now we are serving as somewhat of a foster care family for Evan. After the ten days are over, this is considered an adoption placement and we wait for the birth father's rights to be terminated (another process altogether). We can go to court and officially adopt Evan (Lord willing), six months from the time he was placed with us. So, as you can see, we still have quite a long road ahead. Although, you can breath a little sigh of relief because it does seem most likely that he will get to stay with us. We just know that you never know, ya know?

I do want to share where my heart is right now, given the circumstances. I feel firmly that he is "ours." There is a definite connection that was immediate. In fact, I had prepared myself to expect that he might look like a stranger to me when we first met him. But, he looked familiar to me. That was a precious, unexpected gift in itself. But calling him "ours" is even more than that.

I think David and I are both in this in between. If we walked into our church nursery and saw him among all the other babies, our affections would be for him. The other babies would be cute - he would be amazing. We feel that we know him. He likes to be sung to. He bleats instead of crying. Seems more concerned than angry when he's upset. Raises his eyebrows up really high when he hick-ups. Likes being snuggled but hates being swaddled. MUST have both arms up by his head (elbows up) while he is sleeping. And he is very serious about seeing that bottle at the three hour mark, usually running about fifteen minutes early. So he very much feels like ours.

But, it doesn't feel like he is our son. It is different than when we had Zach and Sam. I was upset about this at first, fearing that it meant I wasn't going to be able to bond completely or something. I think I'm over that. It helped to hear from other adoptive moms that they experienced the same "in between." That's one reason I want to share these feelings openly - I think it can be normal in our situation. He doesn't feel like our son because he isn't our son yet. Until his birth mom signs her surrender, he is completely her son. So, I guess it is natural that we have a certain level of reservation, although I don't feel like I am purposefully holding back. It feels more like we're just not there yet.

The best I know to describe it is that it feels like Evan is ours, but not completely. For now he is ours to care for in all the practical ways that he needs. He is ours to hold and snuggle just because we want to. He is ours to dote on and to study. He is ours to tell him that he has a family, that we love him. I am loving him the way he needs a mama to love. David is loving him the way he needs a daddy to love. And, you better believe he has two boys who are loving him like big brothers love. We want him to have all that now and it is ours to give. So, we give it freely. But, of course, we hope and pray that he is ours forever.

God's Will for Your Wait

I ran across this article about purposeful waiting, and it really encouraged me. Here are a few of my favorite quotes, beginning with my MOST favorite:

"Celebrate the fact that God will not forsake that process of grace in your life and ministry in order to deliver to you the momentary comfort, pleasure, and ease that you would rather have in your time of exhaustion, discouragement, and weakness. He simply loves you too much to exchange temporary gratification for eternal glory!"

"...waiting should actually be a relief. It’s a reminder that I don’t have as much power and control as I thought I had."

"I often remember what is said of Abraham in Romans 4:18-21. The passage tells us that as he waited, Abraham was strengthened in his faith. That’s not what we would expect, is it? We tend to think that, having been given a promise from God, a person might well begin to wait with vibrant faith. But as the wait drags on it seems like that faith would gradually weaken. So why did Abraham’s faith on the whole grow stronger and stronger? Because of what he did as he waited. During his wait, Abraham became a student of the character and power of God, and the more he saw God for who he is, the stronger his faith became."

You can go HERE for the entire article.

Secrets Revealed

It has officially been six months since we were approved for adoption. We are still waiting for our baby. Honestly, I thought we would have a hip baby by now. (You know how teensy babies have to be cradled then they get big enough to sit on your hip?) Didn't you think I would be toting a hip baby around by now? Me too!! What is up?

For those of you who are curious about what is going on (you are laying awake at night thinking about this, I know).... here's the scoop. There haven't really been many babies available for adoption through our agency this summer. In fact, until recently, there hadn't been any babies placed in our area through our agency. So, we're still "just waiting."

Anyway, I kind of unraveled several weeks ago and questioned the whole thing. Are we supposed to be adopting domestically, since there doesn't seem to be such an urgent need? Once I started questioning our specific choice of adoption paths, then I started also questioning the whole thing. It hasn't been pretty, let's just say that. I haven't wanted to post anything until either a) we got a baby or b) I could GET A GRIP and muster up some faith. I really started to question my own judgement in naming this blog "Believing is Seeing." Make a big deal about relying on faith - that's just inviting trouble, right?

Well, I'm 0 for 2. I decided to go ahead and post because I sense there is something significant about this time of waiting. Now, when I say there is something significant, I don't mean pleasant. I'm not lovin' it nor would I choose to still be waiting. I really want our baby to come. Our boys really want our baby to come. We are ready (or so we think). But, I don't want to overlook what God has purposed for this time of waiting.

When sharing my recent feelings of doubt about our adoption with a friend/mentor of mine, she suggested I do a study of people in the Bible who had to wait. I thought that was very insightful. So, I jumped right in. I started in Genesis. And, long about, OH Genesis TWELVE I found my first Bible person to study - Abraham. I am still studying Abraham's story as he waited for the promised son Isaac. I was reminded that it was more than fourteen years from the time God first promised Abraham a son to the time Isaac was born.

There's a lot I could tell you about my short time in this study. In fact, I just erased a paragraph of thoughts on one tangent that is not exactly relevant to my main point but was interesting none the less. (Curious, aren't you?) Here's what I am getting out of this study, overall.

1. God IS characterized by making people wait. Our six month adoption wait had caused me to start questioning what I believed God told us to do. We were called, through unique experiences and circumstances, to adopt domestically through our specific agency, to be open to either gender and any race, and to welcome the opportunity to have a level of openness with the baby's birth mom. I have been tempted to worry, what if we got it wrong and that's why there is a wait? (Then, I am saying that God is not able to effectively communicate His plan to us.) It just seemed that us having to wait was an indication that we were on the wrong adoption path, or that maybe were weren't called to adopt at all. But, after studying even just a bit of God's Word, I am seeing that making people wait is totally God's M O. More typically than not, people had to wait. Sometimes because of punishment (Israelites in the desert) sometimes for desires to be fulfilled (barren women crying out for a child) sometimes when promises were pending (Abraham and THE MESSIAH, for goodness sake!) and sometimes just because!

So, I have concluded that unless we have some strong evidence that suggests we should take a different direction, then we are going to stay put. I don't feel as threatened anymore by the fact that we are having to wait.

2. Also, I read something in my Bible study today that was very exciting. It says in Amos 3:7, "For the LORD GOD does nothing without first revealing his secret to his servants the prophets." And the text note for that verse says, "The God who acts also reveals himself and interprets HIs actions to and through the prophets." Abraham was considered God's first prophet. He and every one thereafter were told God's "secrets" and then basically had to sit on it. I mean, they did speak the prophecies to God's people, but there was ALWAYS a time where the prophecies would be "pending."

Now, I'm no prophet. But, this verse meant a lot to me. We believe that God has revealed his secret plan FOR us TO us - that we would welcome a child into our family through adoption. God has plans and He is the one who acts. AND, He reveals his secrets to his servants. That, in itself, is humbling. But also it seems there is significance in the fact that He reveals His secrets or plans, usually WAY before they come to pass. I could venture to guess at the purpose of this strategy, but for now it is comforting to me to think this time of waiting - between secret plans being revealed and secret plans coming to pass - is for a purpose. Not sure what the purpose is, exactly, but it's nice to know that Someone has a plan! ; )

P.S. I just think it is very interesting that many of the instances of people in the Bible who had to wait were waiting on a BABY (and babies of promise, no less). Think about it - Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth (to name a few) and of course, the entire nation of Israel who waited for the Messiah baby. Hmmm.....

Grand Total

We made a grand total of $575 at our lemonade stand this summer!

Lemonade for Sale - Build a Water Well!

We made $80 at our lemonade stand this morning! Can you believe it?!? We had a blast. People were SOOO generous. We're thinking it had something to do with the cuteness of the kids because people were willing to give even before they knew why! When people would ask how much for a cup of lemonade, one of the girls would say, "One dollar, but you can pay more if you want to." Ha ha. And, many of them did. One man brought us his change jar from home!!

This was such an awesome day! I HIGHLY encourage you to give it a go in your neighborhood. (And, if you do please leave a comment - we would love to hear about your success.) We are planning to do nine more weeks, with our grand finale on the day of our huge neighborhood yard sale. Here's how we did it....

First, we watched the video about Dollar for a Drink so the kids would understand the information if our customers asked.















Then, we added the lemonade mix, water and ice.















We squeezed some REAL lemons into the lemonade to make it extra tasty!















The kids stood out with a sign and had a cheer, "Lemonade for Sale - Build a Water Well." Zach had a short speech prepared that he said to every costumer who would listen. : ) Next week, we are going to print stickers to put on the cups with the DfaD website and have postcards to hand out with additional info





































We counted the money and celebrated! After we found out the total, one of the girls said, "Now THAT was worth it!" Mission accomplished.

Serving and Lemonade

*NOTE: Please hang on to the end of this post, there is an invitation for YOU! (And, if you linked through FB, I wasn't trying to trick you - I AM really excited about sharing this with you! Read on, you'll see....)

This post isn't about our adoption at all, but it is about another work God is doing in our family! This summer I have tried to provide some productive structure to our days. Each kid has a chart on a clipboard with various daily activities, including chores, school work practice, Bible time, quiet reading, "funtivity", etc. I feel like Michelle Dugger. Except that we never really pull it off. Most days, my kids watch too much tv, we go swim, and maybe conquer one or two of the things on the chart. I find that chores, school work practice and quiet reading go out the window, but we MAKE SURE we accomplish our daily funtivity. In mean, it IS summer!! And, I have found that I am always super excited about Bible time. Here's why...

Each day we do something different for Bible time - scripture memory, prayer with Mommy (each kid has his own turn to tell me how I can be praying for him), Bible study with Daddy (similar concept, except with David), writing letters to our Compassion International friends, and (my favorite for the summer) serving others. It has become really important to me that our kids equate Bible time with more than learning Bible stories or even memorizing scripture. I want them to understand that it takes doing to understand and learn what the Bible really means. Not "doing" in the sense of becoming good little boys in order to please God, but "doing" in the sense of experiencing what the Bible teaches, particularly about loving and serving others. In order for them to serve others, they have to become self forgetful and are able, then, to become more mindful of God and how He loves people.

So, each week we go through this process. First we ask, "Who do we know who needs to be served?" Jesus washed the disciples' feet and told his followers to "go and do likewise." He didn't mean, necessarily, to go and wash more feet. He washed the disciples feet because, in that time and culture, it was a job that needed to be done and that job was done by a servant. Jesus became a servant to those he loved. So, when we "do likewise," we first need to figure out what people need. Then, we try to think of ways we are able to serve them. It has really been a lot of fun!

I am SUPER DUPER excited about our latest project!! We are joining the effort of Joshua Guthrie in raising money and awareness for his organization Dollar for a Drink. Joshua is a teenager from our area who decided to do something about the global water crisis and started with this simple concept. You MUST go to the Dollar for a Drink website and see all the wonderful things God has done in the short time DFaD has existed!

Anyway, it all started when the boys and I were watching Joshua's latest promotional video and the boys really understood the need for water that is so widespread around the globe. And, they could easily understand how we could serve those people, by giving money and spreading the word. We started thinking about ideas to generate as much money as we could, and God gave us the perfect idea - open a weekly lemonade stand, selling cups of lemonade for $1 and telling our customers about Dollar for a Drink! We are going to have our lemonade stand open most Saturday mornings (weather and schedule permitting) in our front yard. People always descend upon our area for yard sales this time of year and we are hoping that will bring us plenty of customers. We have invited other families in the neighborhood to join us by bringing some of the supplies that we'll need each week and working the stand.

It's a win, win, win! Kids LOVE to do lemonade stands and they learn how they can make a difference in this world. Money and awareness will be raised for DFaD. AND we are hoping this will serve Joshua by blessing him and encouraging him to keep it up! (I have known Joshua since he was in preschool, so it is especially fun to join his effort!)

AREN'T YOU SO EXCITED!?!? You should be, because you could do it, too! You could set up a lemonade stand in your front yard, as a one time gig or as an ongoing project. You can easily donate the money you raise by using the donate feature on the DFaD website, so it doesn't matter what part of the country you are in. DO IT!! DO IT!! You know you want to! : )

I will post pics of our first ever "Lemonade supporting Dollar for a Drink" tomorrow!! If you are in Jackson, come by and get a cup of lemonade! (We will be in our front yard from 9-11 am).

This is the Way, Walk in It

I am up waaay too late, but I have to unload all that God is speaking to me now at 2:30 in the morning. In one week's time, my life circumstances have been turned upside down somewhat. I have felt God telling me to quit my part time job at the kids' school and stay home full time because I need to be more available at home. I threw a pretty big fit about it because it wasn't really a choice I would have made for myself. It was a job I loved, in a place I loved, working with people I love to work with. But God softened my hard heart and has made me content to do what His will is for me. God is good and His plans for us are good. I trust that.

So, one of the first things people say to me when they find out that I had to lay down my beloved job is that maybe God is freeing me up because our baby is on its way. That would be convenient, huh! But, in the same week we found out a few things regarding the adoption.

1. There has been a decrease in birth moms who are coming to the agency to make an adoption plan. For whatever reason.
2. There are now an unprecedented number of families who are available to adopt a child of any race. If the birth mom has no preference, they go with the longest waiting families and we are second on that list. If she wants to choose the family for her baby, however, she has plenty of families to choose from. Now we have some competition. Ha ha!

This is a GOOD development, that there are so many families, and we praise God for it! But, I have been tempted to feel confused. One reason we felt compelled to pursue domestic adoption was because of the need for people willing to adopt transracially. But, that was only one of the reasons. The other reason is that God has spoken clearly to us - "I am growing your family and your next child will come through adoption."

God spoke to us! That is a huge claim to make - that the Creator of the universe, God, spoke to us. Me and David. Christians need to realize what an outrageous thing this is to say. I could elaborate, but I'll just linky-loo you to a sermon our pastor preached recently on this truth, when it becomes available on our website. Stay tuned for that one.

This has been a recurring theme in things I read and hear - that God speaks to us. Some people ask how we know that God has "called us" to adopt, meaning how did we conclude that God was telling us to do this? Seems kind of obscure - I understand that. One way I experience the leading of God is when I hear certain truths repeated every time I turn around, it seems. That certainly happened in our call to adopt and it is happening again, now, with this revelation that God is speaking to us through our adoption journey.

The last time this theme came to me was the morning of April 16th. Anyone remember the events of morning? We were preparing to go pick up baby girl. I had not been very emotional about the whole thing (surprising) until I was running on the treadmill that morning (even MORE surprising) and I become overwhelmed by the knowledge that this adoption was completely born in our hearts because GOD SPOKE TO US!

When biological children come along, there are things that automatically motivate you to conceive a child. Maybe it's a desire for a baby or to be pregnant, other people starting their families, pressure to start a family perhaps, a longing to pour yourself out for the sake of another, cute baby clothes, whatever. (Not an exhaustive list, mind you.) Then, sometimes there are other "automatic motivators" - I'll just leave it at that. But, our experience with adoption has been that our desire and resolve to adopt originated solely by God speaking in our lives - "Do this." That's the beautiful realization that absolutely overwhelmed me on the treadmill that day. When I see this baby's face, I will have the knowledge that God did this, it was not of ourselves. Of course, it was God's work that brought our sons to us through biological means, but just as that experience was unique and special in its own way, so is this.

God spoke to us again today, but in a way I never expected. We got information about a baby to be born in July in a far away state, and the question on the table was - "Would we want to let the birth mom there know that we are interested in potentially adopting this child?" We received very detailed information. And we really both sensed, strongly, that we were not the family to adopt this child. So, we said no.

No matter what adoption process you are in, there are times that you have to declare what type situations you are willing to take on - whether in your paperwork or when you get a call about a baby. I have always wondered how we would know if we needed to say "no" because we are SOOO inclined to say "YES." How do you say "no" without feeling guilty or unsure? Well, God spoke and the answer was obvious. We felt a complete confidence and peace about it.

I won't go into details for now, but God is speaking to me again tonight - in the middle of the night. (I won't complain, since it is God, but I really hope David lets me sleep in tomorrow morning. He should, right? I mean - God spoke for cryin' out loud!) This is what I am hearing - I just know that our baby (or babies - we are open to two, in case you didn't know) is real and that when this all unfolds it is going to blow my head off, in terms of who God is and how He can work all things together. Not because I am confident that it will all go my way, but that God is truly amazing and much bigger than I am.

The scripture that has been ever present on my mind tonight is Isaiah 30. It's long, but the whole chapter is a beautiful, complete story of God's sovereignty and grace and begs to be read in its entirety. Even still, I am including some highlights that are particularly descriptive of God's steadfast love for me (us), despite my wavering and fit-throwing heart. It also describes the way God speaks to his children - tenderly, specifically, effectively, and how he redeems them when their hard hearts don't listen. Lastly, it testifies to the power that is overwhelming when God speaks.

Do Not Go Down to Egypt
“Ah, stubborn children,” declares the LORD,
“who carry out a plan, but not mine,
and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit,
that they may add sin to sin;
who set out to go down to Egypt,
without asking for my direction,

And now, go, write it before them on a tablet
and inscribe it in a book,
that it may be for the time to come as a witness forever.
For they are a rebellious people,
lying children, children unwilling to hear
the instruction of the LORD;
who say to the seers, “Do not see,”
and to the prophets, “Do not prophesy to us what is right;
speak to us smooth things,
prophesy illusions, leave the way, turn aside from the path,
let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel.”

For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
But you were unwilling,

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.
As soon as he hears it, he answers you.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
“This is the way, walk in it,”
when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver
and your gold-plated metal images.
You will scatter them as unclean things.
You will say to them, “Be gone!”

Suspended

I have recently observed in myself that I either think obsessively about the adoption or don't think about it at all. Sometimes it's just too difficult to anticipate every time the phone rings (literally, every time) that it might be the adoption agency calling, so I just block it out. The trick with this adoption thing is to learn to be comfortable being suspended in mid air, so to speak.

So, lately I have been going into the baby's room, sitting in the rocking chair and praying for the baby, the birth mom, and the adoption process. It helps me remember that this process is real. This baby is real. I walk over to the dresser where we have a boy and a girl coming home outfit and wonder who we will bring home. Then, I leave the room.

I only stay a few minutes. It's just a quick little way of connecting to this unknown child. And, it is sort of my little way of submitting to God in this waiting season. It's nothing profound, really, but it helps.

But for now I rest in this in between
In the heavy clouds of this waiting season
Sandra McCracken, "Hidden Place"

Adoption Tax Credit in Jeopardy

Would you consider adopting a child if you learned that your adoption would cost $11,000-$35,000 UP FRONT, out of pocket? Would you consider adopting a child if you learned that $13,170 of that money would be returned to you the next tax year? Or, what if you learned that you could be given a large chunk of the money you would need for your adoption because of money that had been donated from funds that came from the adoption tax credit?

If you have been following our adoption story you know that we have a goal of raising $13,170 because we are expecting to get a tax credit in that amount next year. We will be donating whatever amount of that $13,170 that was given to our adoption to our church adoption fund, in hopes that more families can use it for their adoption. There are organizations, like LifeSong for Orphans (look under interest free loans), churches, and other individuals who are using the tax credit in this way. Can you imagine the revolutionary effect this tax credit could have over time, in terms of all the children who would be adopted into forever families?

But, here's the downer - the adoption tax credit that was extended to the end of this year is in jeopardy of expiring this year. There is a bill proposed in Congress called H.R. 184 that will continue the tax credit, with even greater benefits to the adoptive family. As it stands now, an adoptive family must have the adoption FINALIZED by the end of that tax year in order to claim the adoption expenses for the next tax year. Here's what that looks like in our situation:

When a child comes home with us that is called"placement." We will have a child with us for six months before we can legally adopt him or her by going to court. The day we go to court to make the adoption legal is called "finalization." So, we must have placement by June in order to finalize by the end of this tax year. Time's a tickin', people!

Now, we want to bring a baby home ASAP because it is our heart's desire to have our next child home with us. The tax credit is not what drives our desire to get "that call" sooner than later. But, because we care about adoption in a broader sense, we REALLY want to see the money we've raise be recycled through our church's adoption fund. If we don't have placement by June or if Congress doesn't pass a new law extending the adoption tax credit, the $8800 we have raised for our adoption thus far will not be able to be reused. It just seems like a waste.

We are so grateful to be given that amount of money, of course, so it's not a waste to us. What I mean is this - it seems like a waste to think of the potential impact that $8800 could have over time and several adoptions later and then to think of it being lost. It's really one of the smartest things the government could do if they want to offer pro-life options for women in crisis pregnancy situations and help the adoption crisis world wide.

So, here's what you can do. There's this AWESOME new website that makes it easy to make your opinion known to your senators and representatives. It's called POPVOX. You can link directly to the page about H.R. 184 HERE. You simply set up an account and press a button showing that you support the bill. You can also make a comment if you so choose.

Right now, POPVOX is showing that there are not yet enough individuals who have commented on the bill to show the results on the chart. And, it reminds the readers that most bills that come to Congress die in committee. That's where H.R. 184 is right now - sitting in committee. Please, please take a few minutes to make your vote FOR this bill.

In November, there were nearly 1,000 people who helped us raise money for our adoption by going to a website called SixSeeds and leaving a comment. Many of you did that and spread the word for us. If we have a similar response to this, I would imagine that would speak loudly to our Congressmen and hopefully encourage the passing of this bill into law. Thank you, as always, for doing your part to support adoption!!

Dear Family and Friends

As some of you know, we are in the process of adopting a baby. We have recently been approved and are now waiting to receive a call that a baby is available to be adopted. Some people have asked why we are doing this, especially since we have two children already. We know that adoption is close to the heart of God and that so many children need a forever family. And, simply put, we believe this is God’s plan for bringing our next child into our family. We are all very excited to welcome this child home! You can read more about our adoption story in earlier posts of this blog.

One reason we are sending this letter is simply to let you know about our adoption. It is encouraging to see that for every family who adopts, more families are encouraged to adopt or to support adoption in some way. We hope that sharing our story will have the same effect! Also, we ask that you please be praying for the estimated 147 millions orphans worldwide.

Another reason we are sending this letter is to let you know about a way you can support adoption. We are raising money to pay for our adoption costs and we have a plan to “recycle” that money for future adoptions. Our adoption costs approximately $15,000. We have paid almost one third of that cost during the approval process, and the rest will be due the day we bring our baby home.

Last year, the federal government approved an adoption tax credit of just over $13,000. This is a great policy that encourages adoption, and we are excited about the possibility of seeing this money multiplied. When we receive our tax credit next year, we will be donating the money that was given for our adoption to our church’s adoption fund. We have already raised $7600 through various fundraising projects, and we are hoping to raise $5400 more, so that our entire tax credit will be given to our church. We are members of City Fellowship Baptist Church in Jackson, TN, and there are several families in our church family who would like to adopt. Here is a link to our church’s adoption web page: www.cityfellowship.net/adoption.

We certainly don’t want you to feel obligated to give financially, but if it is something you would like to do, you can make a donation through PayPal using the button on the side bar.

Or, you can make a tax deductible donation by sending a check directly to our church: City Fellowship Baptist Church, 455 East Main, Jackson, TN 38301. Please make the check out to City Fellowship Baptist Church and write "Roberts Adoption" in the memo line.

Thank you for taking the time to read about our journey. Maybe we will have some exciting news soon!

May God Bless You,

David, Angie, Zach, and Sam

April 16th

I read the devotional book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young as part of my daily Bible reading and quiet time. It is written from the perspective of Jesus speaking to us today, in plain language. The author expresses her intent to provide encouragement that is consistent with scripture, but is careful to emphasize the fact that these are her words. Only scripture is the revealed word of God. However, I think God has inspired her words and I highly recommend it!

Yesterday morning, when I read the April 16th devotional, I thought, "This is sweet, but not really where I am at today." (This was still when we were planning to leave the hospital with a baby.) I was actually surprised, since the readings are usually SO relevant to my day's circumstances and I figured that God would definitely reveal something profound since it was such a big day in our lives and all! (Very presumptuous of me, I admit - just being honest ; ) Anyway, a couple of my friends who also read Jesus Calling asked me last night if I had read that day's entry, since it was so fitting to our experience that day. So, I went back and read it again, this time hearing God's voice tenderly speaking to me. Here's an excerpt:

I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty. I am the Creator and Controller of the universe....When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think YOU could run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective, it may look as if I'm mismanaging things. But you don't know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms, you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to LIVE BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT.

See what I mean about it being so spot on!?! I have to admit that one of my first thoughts was, "How perfect that there's a reference to the theme of my blog - live by faith, not by sight." Love that - ha ha!

But, what the rest of the reading said was so very encouraging. It was basically a written summary of our day. The Lord had given us the faith to walk through the entire ordeal with the awareness of His sovereignty. He had spared us the pain of having bitter and complaining hearts. I considered that a gift. Some people have commented that they admire my faith in all of this. Well, if you know me AT ALL you know that I am not naturally one who takes things as they come in an even tempered way. I love to be in control and am easily given to fear when I sense that I am not in control. But not this time. All I can say is that God has given me faith, specifically relating to the unpredictable nature of this whole adoption process.

God has granted faith. I have simply obeyed. And that may seem like a big deal - obeying God's call - but really it's not. Not when you see God for who He is. As the Jesus Calling reading said, "The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty." I think the word obedience could easily be substituted for gratitude - it's really one and the same. When we recognize God as Creator we realize that He has the right to call the shots. So, we can be grateful in all circumstances. He is God, I am not.

Here's my definition of God's sovereignty: God alone has complete wisdom and power. Being free from sin, He alone can see clearly. Therefore, it is He alone who has the right to determine the course of all things. There is much debate on the extent and limitations of His control in our lives. I can't settle that debate here and that is not my goal. I'll just say that it is my belief that He is in complete control of all things. And, that may sound to some people like a death sentence. Like we lose our lives and have to surrender our freedom of choice. Yup. That's exactly right. It is a death to MY desires, MY plans, MY agenda, and MY way.

From the outside looking in, yielding to God's sovereignty sounds restrictive. But that death is freeing. Here's a line from a Sara Groves song that speaks to this, "Less like a casket, more like a womb." That was my experience yesterday. I certainly made the desires of my soul known to the Lord when I prayed yesterday. But I couldn't bring myself to beg Him to allow us to bring that baby girl home. Not because I was afraid of some overbearing God looking down at me from heaven...but because I was fully aware that I didn't know what was best. That's what it is like to live yielded to the sovereignty of God - it is a sense of comfort and security. There is certainly restriction, in the sense that I realize that I am limited and God is not. In that way, it seems right to yield to God. That's why it feels "more like a womb." Living on the inside of that "womb" of God's sovereignty, I am safe, secure, and content.

I have been a believer and follower of Jesus since I was twelve years old. But, it wasn't really until I was in my late 20's that I really began to understand and know God as sovereign. My life has been remade by this truth.

I thanked God this morning that we did not bring that baby girl home. Not merely because I know He will lead us to our child. And not because I am "looking on the bright side" or trying to eek out some silver lining that makes the hurt worth it because something good might come out of it. It is simply because I know the character of God. He is in control. He is limitless in His knowledge and understanding. He is good, and He alone knows what is good for me.

Psalm 84:11, "For the LORD is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Whatever it Takes

If you are a parent, you know that you will do whatever it takes for your child. We are the parents of two boys who we have biologically, and we know this to our core. And, I have been able to "weather" all the ups and downs, and all that adoption has required of us, because we've assumed that it will be the same with our next child.

But it is still an uphill walk of faith, this adoption journey. SO much more has been required of me with this experience than with my pregnancies, as I anticipated the arrival of our boys. I realize that isn't always the case. Some pregnancies require a lot. For example, one of my closest friends had to be on bed rest for the majority of her pregnancy, spent much grueling time in the hospital before the delivery, and had to fight the emotional battle of a very high risk pregnancy that wasn't going well. But, her mother's heart told her that this was her child and that she would do anything for him.

To this point, there have been many times that our faith in our adoption call has been challenged and we have been asking ourselves, are we sure about this? We have had to believe in those moments that when we reach the other side and hold our next child in our arms we will know in reality what we only know by faith now - that we would do anything for this child. This faceless child who we love so much. So, will we drain our savings account to pay for this adoption? Yes. Will we work our tails off to fundraise as much money as possible? Yes. Will we expose ourselves to all the unknowns of domestic adoption? Yes. Will we live in limbo for an undetermined amount of time? Yes. Will we risk being hurt? Yes.

There is proof in the pudding. (What does that expression even mean???) Anyway, a lot has been required of us as we have pursued our next child through adoption, and this weekend is no exception. We got a call last night that a baby girl had been born in a neighboring state and that we would be able to come get her if all went as planned. Here's the catch - because of some interstate adoption policies, we would have to STAY in that state for an undetermined amount of time because she could not cross the state line until some paperwork was approved. And, we would really be serving as what is called an interim care family (like foster care) until the mother signed her surrender of rights on Monday. And, we really knew nothing about the baby's health. The mother was only fifteen and had very minimal prenatal care.

Our social worker said, "You can be the family to take her home from the hospital if you are willing to consider this situation." Um, yes, we will consider this situation. Our hearts were ready to run to this baby that moment. The birth mother had chosen a closed adoption situation and no contact with the baby, so (for all we knew) this baby was in a hospital nursery being cared for but not being snuggled and adored with the love a parent has. As far as we knew, she had no name. She had no name. Would we put our life on hold and live in a hotel in another state for days or weeks to care for her while the details got smoothed out? Yes! Would we scurry around like chickens with our heads cut off to get together some girl things to take with us, knowing that we might not get to bring her home? Yes! Would we take the risk that she might have a terrible health situation and that our insurance costs would skyrocket in order to cover her? Yes! Would we be willing to have our hearts ripped out if the mother changed her mind after we had held her in our arms? Yes!

So, we were packed and ready to go this morning when our social worker called and told us that we were on hold because the "granny" had stepped up and said she would take the baby. We would have to wait until the birth mom made a final decision and we were told that we would hear from our social worker again in a few hours. You know the saying, "Times flies when you're having fun?" Well, we were NOT having fun. So time crept.

We were not angry with Granny or the birth mom for upsetting our plans or causing us hurt - this is their baby after all. We are determined that until the birth mom signs the surrender of rights, in any given situation, that we will remember - this is not our child. This is not about us.

And, we found out a few hours later that this is not our child. Granny and the birth mom's mom will be caring for the baby. That baby went home with them today, I presume. I am sure that she now has a name and I hope she is being snuggled and adored at this very moment. If you are so inclined, please pray for this family. God thrust us into this situation for some reason - it is not a waste because our God does not work that way. Maybe He simply wanted us and all those who are walking this adoption journey with us to cover this family in prayer. Maybe no one else prays for them.

Our suitcase is on the edge of our bed, still packed and ready to go. There is an infant car seat still sitting by the door beside a bag stocked with baby girl clothes that our sweet friend prepared for us in a moment's notice. Formula, bottles, and all things baby are still sitting in the nursery, ready to be loaded in the van. It is an empty feeling for sure.

But, we will do anything for the baby God has planned for our family. Including, throwing ourselves whole heartedly into a situation like this, even though it ended up to be a false alarm. The human part of me says that this will never really happen. That we will never really get a call that will result in an adoption. I want to quit and spare myself the pain and trouble. But, God has created in me a mama's heart for this child specifically. And that part of me can't quit. Our baby needs me not to quit. We will do whatever it takes for this child driven by that which, for now, we only know by faith.