Transracial Adoption - "Uncut"

My (almost) seven year old son, Zach, and I went on a date the other night. When we were eating at the mall food court (his choice), I asked him how he is feeling about our adoption. I specifically asked him what he would think of having a brother or sister with a different skin color. Now, we have talked openly about this aspect of our adoption with our children from the beginning and welcomed their thoughts and questions. This was just one of many conversations we have had. (And, as a point of clarification, we are open to any race. So, we are just as open to a child with light skin. We have been told, though, that because we are open to adopting an African American baby that we will likely get an African American baby.) Anyway, back to the story....

Here's how our conversation went:

Me: "What would you think if the baby we adopt has dark skin?"

Zach: "Well, that's just a part of life, I guess. Some mommies and daddies have dark skin and their baby may have light skin. And, some mommies and daddies have light skin and have some babies with light skin and some with dark skin, like our family."

I could approach this subject from many angles, but I think I'll go with Zach's angle. What if we all saw multi-ethnic families as just a normal part of life? What if we were free from the tension that comes with race issues in our society? To borrow a phrase from my pastor, "That would be like trying to explain to a fish what it is like to feel dry." We have no context for that.

As I said in my last post, our decision to be open to transracial adoption did not come without reservation. I explained some of my fears already. But, here's what it came down to - on what was I going to base this decision?

We know that the issues involved with adopting transracially are real. There will be uncomfortable moments for us, our child, and others. I figure there will be hurtful moments. I don't look forward to it and I don't feel prepared for it. But, I'm certainly not going to reject a child of a different skin color because society has made it hard for him/her to be accepted. It seems to me that that line of reasoning would fall under the old adage, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

We have talked with a lot of people who have experienced what it is like to live as a multi-ethnic family. Since we don't have any personal experience yet, I think it is best to rely on these voices. I've been told by these families that they forget about the issue within their family, until they go into public. Then, people's stares and awkward questions remind them that they are different.

I think the greatest challenge will be learning how to handle these questions gracefully while not feeling the need to explain. I could go into a lengthy explanation of how God's love transcends skin color and that He has made us a family. Yada, yada, yada... Or, I could just let them see us as a family. I really think the family love we have for one another will speak for itself.

Will our adopted child have identity issues - YES! Will Zach and Sam have identity issues - YES! Did I have identity issues - YES! Didn't you? God used one friend, in particular, to speak words of encouragement to me on this issue. She said that every kid has identity issues. She had those issues growing up as a little girl with dark skin and I had them growing up as a little girl with light skin. Then she said, "Angie, you will teach your child to find his/her identity in Christ. God will show you how to do this, just as He has shown you how to do this with your boys. And, that will be enough." Alrighty, then. That's good enough for me.

There is one aspect of this issue that stands out among the rest. We have heard from a family in Memphis who adopted their child (who has dark skin) from Memphis. The mother says that when they are out and asked about their son people ask where they adopted him from. And, when the mother answers that he came from Memphis, the person asking seems disappointed because he wasn't adopted from somewhere like Ethiopia. She said that it is as if people understand why someone would want a black child if he came from another country, but not from their own city.

When I heard of her experience, I wondered if this might simply be her perception or if it is really the case. Then, we learned that in our country hundreds of families are waiting to adopt a healthy, white infant. In the case of our adoption agency, if you are waiting for a healthy, white infant the average wait time is a year and a half to three years. However, there is NO wait time to adopt an African American infant, and boys are the last to be adopted. Yuck!

I dread the day that Zach has to come to the realization that things are not as they seem in his innocent seven year old experience. Many people don't see that being a multi-ethnic family is "just part of life." It does make me smile inside, though, to think that when he is introduced to this notion he will think - that's weird.

David and I are inexperienced in transracial adoption, but we aren't naive. We know that in our society there are deep distortions about what makes a person valuable and acceptable. So, we have two choices - reject those distortions and accept whatever child God brings to us. Or, accept those distortions, causing us to reject some children who need a home. We know that the issues that may arise are not simple, but the choice we have before us is.