April 16th

I read the devotional book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young as part of my daily Bible reading and quiet time. It is written from the perspective of Jesus speaking to us today, in plain language. The author expresses her intent to provide encouragement that is consistent with scripture, but is careful to emphasize the fact that these are her words. Only scripture is the revealed word of God. However, I think God has inspired her words and I highly recommend it!

Yesterday morning, when I read the April 16th devotional, I thought, "This is sweet, but not really where I am at today." (This was still when we were planning to leave the hospital with a baby.) I was actually surprised, since the readings are usually SO relevant to my day's circumstances and I figured that God would definitely reveal something profound since it was such a big day in our lives and all! (Very presumptuous of me, I admit - just being honest ; ) Anyway, a couple of my friends who also read Jesus Calling asked me last night if I had read that day's entry, since it was so fitting to our experience that day. So, I went back and read it again, this time hearing God's voice tenderly speaking to me. Here's an excerpt:

I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty. I am the Creator and Controller of the universe....When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think YOU could run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective, it may look as if I'm mismanaging things. But you don't know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms, you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to LIVE BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT.

See what I mean about it being so spot on!?! I have to admit that one of my first thoughts was, "How perfect that there's a reference to the theme of my blog - live by faith, not by sight." Love that - ha ha!

But, what the rest of the reading said was so very encouraging. It was basically a written summary of our day. The Lord had given us the faith to walk through the entire ordeal with the awareness of His sovereignty. He had spared us the pain of having bitter and complaining hearts. I considered that a gift. Some people have commented that they admire my faith in all of this. Well, if you know me AT ALL you know that I am not naturally one who takes things as they come in an even tempered way. I love to be in control and am easily given to fear when I sense that I am not in control. But not this time. All I can say is that God has given me faith, specifically relating to the unpredictable nature of this whole adoption process.

God has granted faith. I have simply obeyed. And that may seem like a big deal - obeying God's call - but really it's not. Not when you see God for who He is. As the Jesus Calling reading said, "The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty." I think the word obedience could easily be substituted for gratitude - it's really one and the same. When we recognize God as Creator we realize that He has the right to call the shots. So, we can be grateful in all circumstances. He is God, I am not.

Here's my definition of God's sovereignty: God alone has complete wisdom and power. Being free from sin, He alone can see clearly. Therefore, it is He alone who has the right to determine the course of all things. There is much debate on the extent and limitations of His control in our lives. I can't settle that debate here and that is not my goal. I'll just say that it is my belief that He is in complete control of all things. And, that may sound to some people like a death sentence. Like we lose our lives and have to surrender our freedom of choice. Yup. That's exactly right. It is a death to MY desires, MY plans, MY agenda, and MY way.

From the outside looking in, yielding to God's sovereignty sounds restrictive. But that death is freeing. Here's a line from a Sara Groves song that speaks to this, "Less like a casket, more like a womb." That was my experience yesterday. I certainly made the desires of my soul known to the Lord when I prayed yesterday. But I couldn't bring myself to beg Him to allow us to bring that baby girl home. Not because I was afraid of some overbearing God looking down at me from heaven...but because I was fully aware that I didn't know what was best. That's what it is like to live yielded to the sovereignty of God - it is a sense of comfort and security. There is certainly restriction, in the sense that I realize that I am limited and God is not. In that way, it seems right to yield to God. That's why it feels "more like a womb." Living on the inside of that "womb" of God's sovereignty, I am safe, secure, and content.

I have been a believer and follower of Jesus since I was twelve years old. But, it wasn't really until I was in my late 20's that I really began to understand and know God as sovereign. My life has been remade by this truth.

I thanked God this morning that we did not bring that baby girl home. Not merely because I know He will lead us to our child. And not because I am "looking on the bright side" or trying to eek out some silver lining that makes the hurt worth it because something good might come out of it. It is simply because I know the character of God. He is in control. He is limitless in His knowledge and understanding. He is good, and He alone knows what is good for me.

Psalm 84:11, "For the LORD is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly."