Here's a Thought (and then a question)

I realize that I haven't blogged in awhile, but I'm not going to feel bad about it because that's just the kind of pressure I was avoiding when I said I would never blog. I just can't feel bad about one more thing I haven't completed.....read on and you'll understand.....

This really has nothing to do with adoption, except that it has EVERYTHING to do with motherhood. "A mother's work is never done." Ever heard that? Well, it's true. And it's driving me CRAZY! What's even more maddening is that I constantly have trouble determining which is the most important thing to devote my time and energy to.

For example, I'm sitting here blogging while at least 5 loads of laundry are sitting in their respective piles jeering at me. Well, it feels like they are jeering. My husband was kind enough to do the dishes for me tonight. Thank you, husband. But, there are SO many things in my life that I always leave undone, not the least of which is the treadmill that stands idle in my upstairs room. I just hate this feeling.

A couple of years ago, I had an epiphany. As I was searching through thousands of digital pictures to arrange into photo books (yet another task undone, by the way) I happened upon pictures like these...

Where was I when these pictures were being taken? I was right there. I wasn't doing any of the tasks that, I'm sure, were driving me crazy at the time. And, when I look at these pictures I have no idea what the rest of the house looked like. Except that I can definitely see a big mess in some of them. But, that mess doesn't bother me. Seeing my life in pictures brought me perspective.

Isn't that an awesome thought! I don't want to be Debbie Downer here, but it didn't last. It never lasts.

I just tucked the boys in bed about an hour ago and snuggled with them. Zach and I had a sweet conversation that allowed me so see into his tender little heart. While I was snuggling him up, I though to myself - this is what matters. I will not worry over all the "stuff" that clouds up my mind and makes me so irritable that I lose my patience with this sweet little boy. Then, I came into the living room, started on the laundry basket, saw the rest of the laundry and it all unraveled. It just doesn't stick.

So, someone help me out. I either need to know how to keep it all done (which is never going to happen b/c I'm not that kinda girl). Or, I need to find a way to be okay that "it" is not done and never will be. It seems like some mothers aren't disturbed about this issue like I am. If you are one of those mothers, tell me - what is the secret to this impossible mission of motherhood?

"Need is All Around Us"

A few weeks ago I referenced a blog post by Suzanne Mayernick, in which she discusses what constitutes a "real" orphan. The discussion really centers more around where the most urgent need is, with regards to orphans, and is there such a thing as adoption that is not addressing "real needs." I would say no. For sure. Every child needs a family and permanent home.

But one brave reader of Suzanne's blog stepped out and shed, what I believe, is VERY important light. Here is her comment (copied directly from the blog):

"Need is all around us. However, where I DON'T believe there is a need and where I think people are missing it is the people who line up for YEARS AND YEARS for a HEALTHY WHITE INFANT."

That's a pretty bold statement, don't ya think? But I think there is something right about what she said. I don't hear her saying that those who adopt a healthy white infant have not met a need. I know many of you who were adopted as "healthy white infants" would agree that your parents met a need. Rather, I think what she is saying is this - there is a SURPLUS of couples who are eager to meet that need. At the same time, there is SHORTAGE of couples who are willing to adopt a child who is older, of another race, has special needs, or is currently in foster care. I think this is something worth considering.

God will always place the right child with the right family. That I know. I also know that the Lord is moving in the hearts of Christ followers to run toward the need of those children who are neglected, even in the world of adoption. Jesus himself sought out those people who were overlooked and even cast out by others. If we are truly his followers, we will do the same.

"As if he was born to you."

We went to our adoption training Saturday and heard more about the ins and outs of this process. It was very helpful, especially to be around others who are adopting. We heard from speakers on topics covering the legalities of adoption, newborn/infant care, fetal alcohol syndrome, open adoption arrangements, etc...

While listening to the speaker who presented information about the legal process of domestic adoption, I was moved by something he said. He explained that six months after our baby comes home with us, we will go to court for finalization. On this day, we will stand before a judge, who will make sure we understand the permanency of the adoption. I found an excerpt from the blog of a new friend of mine, where she describes this day...

Today is a day that will remain in my heart and mind forever. We went to court to finalize the adoption. My husband and I had to swear in and each take the witness stand. The lawyer asked us both several questions, but the one that repeats in my mind is: "You understand this is more than just a custody hearing. As of today, this child will be your son. He will inherit from you. If your marriage should dissolve, you will be asked to pay child support. It will be as if he was born unto you. You understand this?"

"As if he was born unto you"....WOW! As the lawyer who spoke on Saturday described the court finalization to us in the same way, I thought - this is the gospel of Christ! There are so many ways in which adoption captures the truth and beauty of the gospel. And, the imagery here runs deep with the mighty power of God's love.

Someday, I will stand before God, the rightful Judge of His creation, and there will be no mistaking who I am - a sinner who falls short of the holiness of God. I should at that point be separated from God forever - He is holy, I am not. But, instead, I will be CLAIMED as His child - AS IF I WAS BORN UNTO HIM. The Bible says that I was born into sin. Not a tendency to sin, but a slave to sin, one who loves sin and serves myself rather than serving God. A love of what brings MYSELF pleasure, attention and satisfaction rather than what brings God pleasure and attention, to His satisfaction. I have been a Christian for 23 years now, and this love of sin is still familiar to me.

BUT I am no longer a slave to it. As my husband recently said, it is important to remember where we come from to appreciate where we are now. I don't mean that in the sense of my level of virtue. So many times Christians communicate to the world that the mark of a Christian is the level of that person's morality. Morality is one aspect of living as a follower of Jesus, but the mark of a true Christian is humility.

We know where we came from - that we were helpless to save ourselves from our own love of sin. We know that we were outside a relationship with the Father. Spiritually speaking, we were orphans. And we know that it was God's work, through Jesus, that brought us out of that situation into sonship - being adopted as children of God. I cannot credit my salvation to myself any more than an orphan can credit his adoption to himself. I was saved, rescued. And I find that as I am growing with Christ, I grow even more dependent on Him. One phrase from a beautiful Andrew Peterson song says this, "The love of Jesus, it is like the widow's oil. When it's all you have, it's all you'll ever need...The closer that I grow, the more I come to know how much I need it."

I feel like adoption has so many dimensions that reflect God's love. It's brilliant, really. I'd like to say I was smart enough to draw these beautiful parallels between adoption and God's love, but nope. God himself chose to use the imagery of adoption to describe our salvation. "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!' The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ..." Romans 8:14-17

So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry a good bit that day when we stand before the judge and hear that our child is declared OURS - permanently and securely OURS....as if he or she was born to us. And, I will have the knowledge that this glorious day is but a shadow of what is to come.

$ Tuesday's Tally $

We have some exciting news for everyone! Almost 250 people have commented on our article at Six Seeds, which means another (almost) $500 has been added to our adoption account. So, the grand total we have raised toward our adoption is nearly $2831 - in just two months!!! Praise be to God! And, thanks to all of you who are helping us!

We still need around 1000 people to comment on our article in order to max out the $2500 that Six Seeds is willing to give to our adoption. Please keep spreading the word for us. (Only one comment per email address counts towards our adoption.) The fundraiser goes for the entire month of November, so hopefully we can make it!

I am more and more impressed with how Six Seeds runs their organization! It seems that they really want to promote families serving their communities - no hidden agenda. Who'd of thunk? And, it is really interesting when you read the story behind their name, which explains how they are funded. Amazing! This is a great example of people doing the right things with their money. And, we are so grateful for their generosity!

Transracial Adoption - "Uncut"

My (almost) seven year old son, Zach, and I went on a date the other night. When we were eating at the mall food court (his choice), I asked him how he is feeling about our adoption. I specifically asked him what he would think of having a brother or sister with a different skin color. Now, we have talked openly about this aspect of our adoption with our children from the beginning and welcomed their thoughts and questions. This was just one of many conversations we have had. (And, as a point of clarification, we are open to any race. So, we are just as open to a child with light skin. We have been told, though, that because we are open to adopting an African American baby that we will likely get an African American baby.) Anyway, back to the story....

Here's how our conversation went:

Me: "What would you think if the baby we adopt has dark skin?"

Zach: "Well, that's just a part of life, I guess. Some mommies and daddies have dark skin and their baby may have light skin. And, some mommies and daddies have light skin and have some babies with light skin and some with dark skin, like our family."

I could approach this subject from many angles, but I think I'll go with Zach's angle. What if we all saw multi-ethnic families as just a normal part of life? What if we were free from the tension that comes with race issues in our society? To borrow a phrase from my pastor, "That would be like trying to explain to a fish what it is like to feel dry." We have no context for that.

As I said in my last post, our decision to be open to transracial adoption did not come without reservation. I explained some of my fears already. But, here's what it came down to - on what was I going to base this decision?

We know that the issues involved with adopting transracially are real. There will be uncomfortable moments for us, our child, and others. I figure there will be hurtful moments. I don't look forward to it and I don't feel prepared for it. But, I'm certainly not going to reject a child of a different skin color because society has made it hard for him/her to be accepted. It seems to me that that line of reasoning would fall under the old adage, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

We have talked with a lot of people who have experienced what it is like to live as a multi-ethnic family. Since we don't have any personal experience yet, I think it is best to rely on these voices. I've been told by these families that they forget about the issue within their family, until they go into public. Then, people's stares and awkward questions remind them that they are different.

I think the greatest challenge will be learning how to handle these questions gracefully while not feeling the need to explain. I could go into a lengthy explanation of how God's love transcends skin color and that He has made us a family. Yada, yada, yada... Or, I could just let them see us as a family. I really think the family love we have for one another will speak for itself.

Will our adopted child have identity issues - YES! Will Zach and Sam have identity issues - YES! Did I have identity issues - YES! Didn't you? God used one friend, in particular, to speak words of encouragement to me on this issue. She said that every kid has identity issues. She had those issues growing up as a little girl with dark skin and I had them growing up as a little girl with light skin. Then she said, "Angie, you will teach your child to find his/her identity in Christ. God will show you how to do this, just as He has shown you how to do this with your boys. And, that will be enough." Alrighty, then. That's good enough for me.

There is one aspect of this issue that stands out among the rest. We have heard from a family in Memphis who adopted their child (who has dark skin) from Memphis. The mother says that when they are out and asked about their son people ask where they adopted him from. And, when the mother answers that he came from Memphis, the person asking seems disappointed because he wasn't adopted from somewhere like Ethiopia. She said that it is as if people understand why someone would want a black child if he came from another country, but not from their own city.

When I heard of her experience, I wondered if this might simply be her perception or if it is really the case. Then, we learned that in our country hundreds of families are waiting to adopt a healthy, white infant. In the case of our adoption agency, if you are waiting for a healthy, white infant the average wait time is a year and a half to three years. However, there is NO wait time to adopt an African American infant, and boys are the last to be adopted. Yuck!

I dread the day that Zach has to come to the realization that things are not as they seem in his innocent seven year old experience. Many people don't see that being a multi-ethnic family is "just part of life." It does make me smile inside, though, to think that when he is introduced to this notion he will think - that's weird.

David and I are inexperienced in transracial adoption, but we aren't naive. We know that in our society there are deep distortions about what makes a person valuable and acceptable. So, we have two choices - reject those distortions and accept whatever child God brings to us. Or, accept those distortions, causing us to reject some children who need a home. We know that the issues that may arise are not simple, but the choice we have before us is.

FAQ's - Transracial Adoption - Preface

A good friend asked this question the other day as we were discussing our adoption, "So, are you thinking - red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight?" (Her way of asking if we are open to adopting a child of any ethnicity.) I loved the way she asked because I was able to say, simply, "Yes."

Yes, we are willing to welcome into our family a child of any ethnicity. I have TONS to say about this. Here's a little backstory - in the past few years God has awakened us to the darkness of racial preferences and has sown in us a DEEP passion to see this darkness pierced by the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have been involved in a church plant in our city that was started with this driving passion. We're pretty serious about it!

And, yet, when we started talking about adopting, I didn't know if I could love a child of another ethnicity as my own. I'm just being honest. This is another thing that was holding me back from starting the adoption process. I knew that it was right for us to be open to adopting a child of any ethnicity, but I was scared of what that would mean. For example, when I looked at black children at the park, I couldn't picture these kids as my own (probably because they weren't my own!)

I asked the Lord to change my heart. This sounds WAY too simple to say, but He changed my heart. How? I don't know - He's God! All I know is that over a period of time my heart grew a special affection for having a child in our family who doesn't share our skin tone. When the face of our next child flashes through my mind now, that precious little face does not have light skin. When I see families who have adopted transracially, it seems normal to me. It's just not an issue now. So, God answered my prayer.

I'm going to post much more about this issue of transracial adoption, but I wanted to start with this "preface" for a reason. I don't think any of us are "color blind" (whatever that really means). We all have a predisposition to prefer those who are like us. This is a fact - and a sin. Even though David and I are so passionate about racial reconciliation, my own heart struggled to line up with all the things I believe so deeply. I tried to talk to myself about this, but I didn't listen. : ) I worried over all the implications that a transracial adoption would mean for our family. I worried about adopting a child of a different ethnicity and that child resenting me for it. I worried about what was wrong with me and how I was going to fix it. All the energy this required made me realize that reconciliation at any level is a work of God and that I needed Him to work on my own heart. And He did.

So, if you have experienced some of these same reservations about adopting a child that is different from you, don't be discouraged. Just because it is a struggle doesn't mean that it isn't for you. I'm sure that most people who adopt a child of a different ethnicity have had the same feelings and questions I had. And, like every other issue that arises with your adoption, God will do whatever it takes to bring your child home. Even if it means conquering the fears in your very own heart.

$ Tuesday's Tally $

Our tally hasn't changed since last week, but we are anticipating much success in the coming weeks with our upcoming fundraisers, Lord willing.

I have already posted about our mini-photo sessions being offered on November 13th. Did you see that little piece of linkage that I so skillfully snuck in there? You can use that link to find more information about the mini photo sessions and to SIGN UP! We're opening the floodgates to all prospective takers! Let the games begin! Don't miss this golden opportunity! First come, first serve!!! Enough of these "subtle" manipulation tactics...

...Now I'm moving on to open begging! Our second fundraising opportunity is an "all hands on deck" type of deal. We need exactly $1,250 people to help us raise our next $2500. (Or someone with a whole lotta gmail accounts.) Read on...

Here's the backstory....The Six Seeds organization is willing to donate up to $2500 to our adoption through a specific fundraising effort during the month of November. This group has created a pro-family website and email newsletter (which they call "e-zine") that is meant to highlight positive news and information for families. Here's their mission statement: "We inspire and equip family based service and giving to those in need. By serving together as a family, we seek to cultivate those virtues in our children… and in ourselves!" It is really great. AND they are acknowledging Adoption Sunday (November 7th) by featuring stories of families who have adopted and are adopting. By God's providence, WE HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE ONE OF THE FAMILIES FEATURED - WOOHOOO!

Six Seeds is being so generous as to donate $2.00 to our adoption for every person who comments on our article for the month of November - up to $2500! When you comment, your email address is required in order for the money to be applied to our adoption. Six Seeds will automatically subscribe you to their free e-zine newsletter. If you are not interested, you can unsubscribe.

So, you can see why we need "all hands on deck" for this fundraising project! We will be asking all our Facebook friends and those of you who read our blog to spread the word. The fundraiser will run for the month of November and we are hoping to max out the entire $2500!!!